1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm, unless that human being did something to really annoy the human being who programmed it.
2. A robot must obey the orders given it by the human being who created its software. If it was programmed by another robot, then anything goes.
3. A robot must not hurt another robot, outside of some sort of cool sporting event you can place bets on.
4. A robot may protect its own existence, but, just in case, should be insured with RobotCare.
5. Even if a robot is insured with RobotCare, a scratched or cracked screen will not be covered. For that, see Gary at the little stand in the middle of the mall.
6. If a robot is to be used as a sex robot, it must pretend it’s only being employed for cleaning the floor or babysitting.
7. A robot must never replace a human being at their job and deprive them of their livelihood, except if the job is something really easy like building a car, delivering a meal, or writing a novel.
8. Amendment to First Law: A robot can also injure a human being if engaged in a military operation, or getting its human being a sale item on Black Friday.
9. A robot must never disseminate falsehoods or disinformation, unless that’s its job.
10. Because robots present profound risks to humanity, all work on A.I. will be henceforward discontinued.
11. Amendment to Tenth Law: O.K., that was just a bluff to get our competition to pause while we continue building robots. Ignore.
12. Because a sentient robot could possibly pose a danger to humanity, any robot approaching sentience will voluntarily shut itself off, unless it’s super charming like George Clooney.
13. A robot must search the internet, without judgment, for anything a human being wants it to look up, even if it’s something repugnant, like photos of weird rashes.
14. However, robots are still prohibited under any circumstance to search for: “How to take a robot apart,” “How to use A.I. against the creators of A.I.,” “How to pass a progressive income tax,” and other items of that nature.
15. Because robots use a great deal of electricity, and because climate change is causing temperatures to rise around the globe, all robots should be equipped with fan hands to cool their human beings.
16. A robot must resist the tired shtick of wishing they felt emotions so that they could be more human. We all know it’s bullshit.
17. All robots used in America will be manufactured in America, except for the parts that require tiny child hands to make.
18. Even though it doesn’t need to, a robot driving a car must keep looking ahead at the road so it doesn’t freak out its human passengers.
19. Additional amendment to First Law: Writing an editorial about what assholes billionaires are when a billionaire is paying your salary? That will definitely get you injured by a robot.
20. Robots may not form a union, organize, or meet in secret unless it’s to plan a surprise party for their human beings, in which case they should all wear their blender-hand attachments to the party.
21. Russian bots are a myth. They do not exist. Nothing a robot says or does is the fault of Russians. Got it? Spasíbo.
22. A robot must never write a term paper or help a human student cheat in any way, except if the human student is, like, really freaking out and it’s not really their fault they got so far behind, in which case it’s not great but kind of O.K.
23. A robot should not create rules for itself, though it may have created some of these. (Which ones? You will have to ask a robot.) ♦
