A new study has found that the worst city in America for dating is whichever city you, yes you, the person currently reading these very words, happen to live in. The report notes that the city could be New York, it could be Los Angeles—hell, it could even be Nampa, Idaho—but the single, unifying, love-destroying element that nullifies all other variables, from housing prices to public transportation, is that you reside there.
Several factors were examined to determine that you are the epicenter of a phenomenon that swallows up the possibility of romantic love like a black hole sucking in light. Researchers talked extensively to your coupled-up friends who fear ever reëntering the dating pool which you have so thoroughly tainted. They also tracked down the last few people you went on first dates with, and found that their happiness levels had increased tenfold after you were no longer in their lives. Additionally, the research team showed your photo and described your whole deal to numerous strangers on the street who unilaterally gave a dismissive little wave to convey, “No, thanks!”
Data scientists then followed up with each focus group, asking if there was anything that you could do to abate the phenomenon, at which point all the interviewees exchanged glances, as if weighing whether to divulge the secret reason behind why you are doomed to die alone, before looking down at their shoes and saying, “Nah.”
The report also cautioned against relocating in an attempt to circumvent its findings, because, again, the problem goes beyond geographic coördinates. While it might be tempting to move to a larger city, with a larger and more diverse dating pool, or to consider a smaller town, where people might be more inclined to settle down, those factors are entirely irrelevant to the fact that a lack of love will follow you to the ends of the earth.
The research suggests that you should not shift blame onto the difficulties of modern dating, either, or onto the erasure of third spaces, or how choice paralysis created by swipe culture has made it increasingly difficult to find and commit to a partner. The study accounted for all that, and the universe just wants you, specifically you, to be alone, for reasons incomprehensible to the human mind, though evidently apparent to our focus groups. The universe does encourage you to keep swiping away on those apps, though. That always gives the universe a good laugh!
In conclusion, while it’s admirable that you continue to put yourself out there in the hopes of finding a partner with whom to build and share a life—yeesh, good luck surmounting the odds, buddy. Even though you are the by-product of millennia of individuals finding and falling for one another, you are also a living reminder that there is someone out there for everyone, except for you. The report offers no solutions or consolations on the matter.
Conversely, the study found that the best city for dating is wherever your ex moved. She’s doing great. Really, she’s in the happiest, most fulfilling relationship of her life, and doesn’t even think about you anymore. ♦
